musings of Mother Hood

Ignorance is bliss

There are many individual windows of time during the course of parenting a child that you should not take for granted. Everyone tells you to travel and go to restaurants when your child is an infant because it gets much, much more difficult to do these things as you begin to factor in mobility and nap schedules and meltdowns. LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. It is good, sound advice. That sweet, sweet window of immobility and long stretches of sleep... It flies by.

One window in particular of which we weren't fully aware and certainly not fully appreciative is that blissful period during which your child is aware and logical enough to be talked down from the ledge with harmless white lies of what we may or may not do "when we get home" or, my favorite, "tomorrow" -- but at the same time his memory is not good enough to actually remember said harmless white lies and hold you to them. 

The window of ignorance. The window of innocence. The precious window of bargaining power in which you ALWAYS have that upperhand called long-term memory.

That window, my friends, has closed.

 

Proper Prior Planning

Schools around here - and probably elsewhere - build a certain number of days into the school year to accommodate potential cancellations for snow. Snow days. They're a gamble, really. If you build in too many days then you have "extra" time in the school year. But not enough and you pay for it later.

We are very close to adopting this method of planning for our morning, before school/work routine.

To accommodate time-outs.

 

While I'm Here

A few weeks ago I posted about completing my second 5K, and - naturally - I celebrated with my friends and family via multiple social media outlets. But one Facebook comment in particular has stuck with me. My Uncle Brian commented: "you've kind of got that working toward a goal thing well in hand, eh?"

Yeah. I guess I do. For whatever reason, I've committed myself to this idea of planning excitement and spontaneity. Setting goals for myself that are fun and attainable and stimulating.

Which doesn't ENTIRELY sound like me, I know.

I'm not a thrill-seeker or a particularly outgoing, grab-life-by-the-horns kinda gal. But a little over three years ago, things started happening that shook me up a little. My brother Tom and my cousin Sherlock - both of them the grab-life-by-the-horns kinda people I was not - died tragically and much, much too soon. And I became a Mama, which has changed me in ways I can't even put into words. This intersection of life and death really put me in motion. And I remember having these swirling, overwhelming thoughts about how precious and fleeting and uncertain life is -- and how important it is to really LIVE.

Tom and Sherlock didn't wait for "tomorrow". And without them, I was determined to be that inspiration for my own little guy. So I wrote THIS last year. At the time, it meant fun and spontaneity and trying something new.

"It’s not about having some sort of Cool Kid Resume when you die, it’s about making plans to break routine and intentionally filling your life with unforgettable moments. For me, it’s about taking inspiration from the “cool” things I’ve already done and ensuring that I keep that adventurous spirit alive in myself. It’s about showing Colt, through my example, that life can be really, really fun. And that there’s just very little in this world that isn’t available to him."

When I wrote that, I couldn't have known how special to me this little project would become. I've already crossed off a few things and have plans to cross off a few more this year. But as much as it is absolutely about setting and working toward these 100 individual goals, it is so much more than that.

All of it. Every word of it. Every time I've ever said, "let's go there" or "let's try that". Every time I have the chance to put it off until "tomorrow". All of it.

"It’s about showing Colt, through my example, that life can be really, really fun. And that there’s just very little in this world that isn’t available to him."

That's it. That's the goal.

Everything is as it should be

I married a really good guy.

And I usually show my love and respect for him by NOT writing about him on my blog. Since Colt was born, I've had to push some boundaries by showing Jeff in more photos here and there, but I try to be respectful of the fact that I am the one who's chosen to put my life and thoughts and ramblings out on the internet - not him.

To my knowledge this is the only post in 6+ years of blogging that is even remotely focused on my hubby. Stay tuned in 6 more years - you never know.

***

We had a meeting at Colt's school yesterday. We both attended.

Does that sound particularly notable to you? Monumental, even?

Yeah, we didn't think so either. But evidently, it is. As we wrapped up the meeting Colt's teachers made a big deal out of thanking Jeff for being there. "We don't get a lot of... Dads."

And it's not the first time. We get the same type of comments nearly every time we go to a parent/teacher conference or doctor's appointment or anything else "typically" taken care of by Moms.

Until yesterday, I didn't think much of it. Jeff and I both always kinda laughed and shrugged and wondered, "well, what else would we do?"

But after yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Is this where we are, this society of ours? Teachers and doctors raise an eyebrow and go so far as to THANK a Dad who makes time to take an active role? It makes me cringe. Are Dads that far gone? Do we consider it "babysitting" when they hang out with their kiddos? Are they only interested in the fun stuff? The soccer games and roughhousing? What about the 2 a.m. feedings? The potty training? The staying home from school with a fever? The dirty diapers and time outs and homework?

I'm going to go on ahead and steal my own Father's Day thunder by telling you I have a really, really good Dad on my hands. One who does not accept any of the societal nonsense that lets men believe they no longer "wear the pants" if they do the "Mom stuff". I don't know if I always realize how lucky we are to agree on an all-in style of parenting. Or how lucky I am that he is as devoted to the "Mom stuff" as he is to the "Dad stuff". To him, it's KID stuff.

Some of you know him and you know that he would consider himself properly thanked and appreciated if I never, ever mentioned it, but I just can't help myself.

This guy loves his kid. And he takes this Dad thing pretty darn seriously. And I am so, so thankful for that.

Some people wear many hats.

I have bags.

This too shall pass.

I don't remember being two years old. I don't remember the frustration or the disappointment that comes with being no longer a baby but not yet a big kid.

It's really no wonder two year olds seem to have such a short fuse or a finicky attitude sometimes - what with all the new sounds and words and people and experiences coming straight at their heads nonstop. Not really able to communicate or articulate what they need or want - or don't want. Frustrated that we crazy grownups just don't seem to understand.

Think about how much adults welcome change or anything out of the ordinary. Now remove several layers of maturity and 16+ years of learned patience and self control. Yeah. Two year olds.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't remember being two. But lately I wish I did. Lately, I would do almost anything to get inside his head and really, really understand.

My kid bites.

And I wish I knew why.

We have theories. Lots of them. He was a late talker so he's found a different way to communicate... He doesn't fuss or cry or have fits very often, but has to get his feelings out somehow... He just kinda likes to be left alone sometimes and the other kids don't always get that message... He gets a lot of attention at home and craves that kind of attention at school...

Who knows? The fact is - he bites. And we've tried everything we can think of to try. We've been told it's perfectly normal toddler behavior. We've been told it's a phase. We've been told it's usually a two-sided issue, meaning there's a two year old on either side of that bite -- and sometimes Colt's "normal two year old behavior" was provoked by other "normal two year old behavior".

We talk to him about it till we're blue in the face. About why we don't bite our friends and what we should say or do if someone takes our toys. And that biting hurts.

But let me explain something. Biting does hurt. And while one kid goes home with a mark that will be gone by tomorrow, my kid comes home with an unfair stigma to share with his heartbroken parents.

The whole situation is just as hard on us as it is on the other parents. Maybe worse. It is painful to know that my child is being perceived as anything less than the sweet, kind, curious, playful little boy that he is. Every time I have to sign an incident report when I pick him up from school I think about two things: I wonder what happened, what he may or may not have tried to communicate before he resorted to biting. And I think about what the other parents are thinking. I wonder if they are understanding. And patient. And compassionate. After all, they have a two year old, too, right? I try to put myself in their shoes. I try to imagine what I would feel like if the tables were turned. I like to think I would be that understanding, patient, compassionate parent I am so desperately hoping they are.

But I have no idea. I don't know what it's like to sign the other half of that incident report and stare at a bruise on my baby's arm. I don't know what it's like to hear my child come home with stories of who bit him and why. I only know what it's like on this side. The side of the biter.

And it probably sounds cliché. Why WOULDN'T I stick up for my own kid? Of COURSE I think it's hard on this side of the coin. Naturally, I'm going to get all 'Mama Bear' on everyone involved.

But I'm not condoning biting. I don't care how "normal" it is - it's universally... unpleasant. And I'm certainly not encouraging it. We want him to stop as much as anybody. More.

I don't think about it in the same terms laid out in the handbook. There's no "child who bit" or "child who was bitten". They are children. And one of them is mine.

I'm not defending a bully, and I'm not sidestepping responsibility. There are truly two sides to everything --  and both "sides" of this ugly situation happen to be precious to someone. I'm not sticking up for my kid, the biter. I'm sticking up for my kid, the kid.

You might be from Fayetteville

When I was originally compiling my Life List, I spent some time looking over other people's lists to get ideas and inspiration. And among the common items like "Go skydiving" and "Learn a second language" was something that struck me as interesting -- Be a tourist in your own town. It came up time and time again, but it was usually on the lists of people who live somewhere fabulous like San Francisco or NYC or Boston.

I didn't add it to my list because I thought it would be too easy. I thought I'd pretty much done what it takes to "tour" NWA so I left it alone. But the last few weeks have changed my thinking about what it means to truly experience your own hometown.

I Googled "Fayetteville Arkansas bucket list" and stumbled across a countdown compiled by The Free Weekly - The Top 40 List of things you must do to be considered a true NWA resident. As I read through it, I was shocked by some of the things I haven't done. But I had several nice, nostalgic moments as I remembered the stories of the items I was able to cross off.

 

The Fayetteville, Arkansas Bucket List

40. You must have been to at least five small towns that are off the I-540 corridor — and by “been to” we do not mean drive through: You must stop and talk to at least three people.
39. Have a Facebook chat with Fayetteville Mayor Lioneld Jordan.
38. Hike Devil’s Den State Park.
37. Party on the Patio at Powerhouse Seafood and Grill.
36. Know what business was in a building at least three businesses ago.
35. Share a kiss by the cross on Mount Sequoyah.
34. Have a Bloody Mary at Common Grounds in Fayetteville.
33. See a show at the Rogers Little Theater.
32. Have lived in a Lindsey apartment complex. You get extra credit if the complex had Links or Greens in the name.
31. Buy a piece of art from a local artist.
30. Experience the linear parking lot that I-540 becomes at certain times of the day, like between 6:30 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. to about 7 p.m.
29. Get gas at what is locally known as the Gucci Gas Station, also called the Prada Pick ’n’ Tote, in Rogers. Its real name is Pinnacle Station Local Market.
28. Visit a taqueria — Spanish for taco shop.
27. Go boating on Beaver Lake.
26. Eat at the Monte Ne Chicken Inn.
25. Know at least three celebrities from the area.
24. Go to First Thursday on the town square in Fayetteville.
23. Cross state lines to gamble.
22. Feed the animals, or get slightly nipped by one, at the Wild-Wilderness Drive-Through Safari.
21. Have your photo taken with Dick Trammel at a charity event.
20. Call in to Jon Williams’ morning show on 93.3 The Eagle.
19. Take a flight from Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport or at least know where you are when you land.
18. Have a drink in at least five restaurants in Benton County — just not all in the same night.
While there are still no liquor stores, Rogers and Bentonville offer plenty of places to get a glass of wine, a swig of beer or a cocktail with your dinner — well deserving of the nickname “The Wettest Dry County in Arkansas.”
17. Buy liquor at Macadoodles on Sunday at the location in Missouri just north of Bella Vista.
16. Visit the home of the official Bluebird of Happiness - Terra Studios.
15. Get a ticket in Johnson.
14. Eat at Herman’s Ribhouse along North College Avenue in Fayetteville.
13. Visit the ruins of William “Coin” Harvey’s health resort — now mostly under the surface of Beaver Lake — in Monte Ne.
12. Experience the Arts Center of the Ozarks.
11. Attend the Rodeo of the Ozarks over the July Fourth weekend in Springdale.
10. Take either Scenic U.S. 71 or the Pig Trail Scenic Byway (Arkansas 23) to Interstate 40 to find out why I-540 means so much to all of us.
9. Know that Springdale is nicknamed “Chickendale” because of the presence of some big poultry companies, such as George’s Inc. and — the biggest of all — Tyson Foods.
8. Attend a concert at the AMP at the Northwest Arkansas Mall in Fayetteville.
7. Attend a show at the Walton Arts Center on Dickson Street in Fayetteville.
6. Shop at the Fayetteville Farmers' Market.
5. Go to a Northwest Arkansas Naturals game at Arvest Ballpark in Springdale and have your photo taken with Strike the Sasquatch.
4. Spend at least one weekend in Eureka Springs.
3. Attend Bikes, Blues & BBQ in Fayetteville.
2. Go to a movie at the 112 Drive-In.
1. Attend a University of Arkansas Razorbacks football game — or basketball game or baseball game or track event or gymnastics meet, or … well, you get the idea. To check this one off, you have to wear a red Hog hat and yell “Woo Pig Sooie!”

See original list with more detail and commentary HERE. And HERE. Thank you, Free Weekly!

 

Now that Colt is getting older, we're rediscovering Fayetteville a little. Last weekend, we hiked out to Whitaker Point (not on the list). And this weekend we decided to test our luck by taking the trail around Lake Fayetteville (also not on the list). This was only after we spent the morning at the Fayetteville Farmers' Market (ON THE LIST!). And I can't believe this is true - but I've lived here for 10 years and this past Saturday was my first ever trip to the Farmer's Market!

So here you go - a few tourist photos of our weekend in Fayetteville:

We walked around the Fayetteville square all morning, but if you ask Colt what we saw he will excitedly tell you, "Rocks! And water!"

See that face? That face has sound effects. Sound effects that were in full force for the first mile or so, but disappeared for good once we really got going. The trail is about 5 miles and we walked every last step. Colt walked nearly every one of them with us -- only riding on Jeff's shoulders or my back for short stretches throughout the afternoon. We ALL slept hard that night.

We aren't making a mission of it or anything, but I imagine we'll hit a few more of those NWA Bucket List items before the summer is over. Some of them we'll do over and over - because we're good little Hogs.

What's on your hometown tourist list? Anything missing from the NWA Top 40?

Why are Moms so hard on each other?

We've all done it. We've seen the Mom in the grocery store obviously having a tough day, wrangling kids that will do anything but cooperate and trying to hurry up and get the heck outta there so she can go be flustered and frustrated without the crowd of eyes watching her every hasty move. We've all watched families on TV and rushed to judgment about the kind of parenting that's going on - even if we are only privy to a fraction of the "real life" that's going in those households. We've watched other kids playing at the park and made mental notes about which ones clearly have manners and which ones have Mamas who haven't been paying much attention...

I'm guilty.

It's easy. It's easy to raise an eyebrow or shake my head and sigh - and silently reassure myself that at least I've got things under control. At least I'm not - her.

We're all on the same team, right? Why do we forget that sometimes? Why do we spend time and energy networking with other Moms through blogging and social media one minute and the next minute we're pointing the proverbial finger at the Mom down the street who lets her kids stay out WAY too late?

I have this theory that Moms get defensive about their parenting because there's nothing MORE personal than that. Right? People get riled up about personal stuff - religion, politics, money --- and their kids. There's nothing more personal than this little human you created. There's nothing more personal than the physical, emotional, financial sacrifices you make EVERY DAY so that your kids are healthy and happy. There's nothing more personal than the time you get to spend with them or the other priorities in your life that sometimes mean you are apart.

So it's no big shock that Moms get a little territorial and a little defensive and - sometimes - that materializes as a not-so-flattering grudge. Bitterness and animosity. We question the choices that other Moms make - cloth diapers or disposables? breastmilk or formula? spanking? pacifier? bedtime? diet? Why do we do this to ourselves?

Moms have a unique opportunity these days - to bond. Sometimes we seize that opportunity. Through the internet we can find people who agree with us and who support us. We find other Moms who help us through the worst times and help us celebrate the milestones - big and small.

And once in a while we stumble upon the Moms who disagree with us, who challenge us and help us grow. The ones who vocalize beliefs and decisions that may contradict what we do in our own lives. Or the ones who appear to have it all figured out - and it kinda makes us sick.

It's ok to disagree. Wait. It's HEALTHY to disagree. But let's use it to learn from each other. Let's recognize our differences as the strengths that they are. And let's make each other better.

Remember, it's just as personal to her as it is to you.

This post has been adapted for Musings of Mother Hood. It was originally posted on Deep South Moms Blog on May 28, 2010.

Free Speech - Like It or Not

This week on my local news, I saw coverage of a local ad campaign sponsored by the Northwest Arkansas Coalition of Reason (NWACoR). They have placed a billboard that is causing QUITE a stir. The billboard reads: Are you good without God? Millions are. Understandably, the issue is intensely polarizing and has inspired everything from news stories to Facebook groups to countless heated discussions.

To be clear, I am not here to debate the existence of God. Nor am I here to either support or snub the Northwest Arkansas Coalition of Reason or their intentions. I am here to support the NWACoR’s right to sponsor such a billboard.

Congress shall make no law… abridging the freedom of speech…

Authors of the United States Constitution placed so much importance on the Right to Free Speech that they put it in the FIRST Amendment. Free Speech is right there among what are arguably the most significant and distinguishing freedoms Americans enjoy. Freedom of speech, of the press, freedom of religion, and of assembly, and the right to petition. People – without these things, we aren’t Americans.

Free Speech means – at some point – you will hear things you don’t agree with and encounter things that bother you. It means people are not required by law to see eye to eye. It means you might be uncomfortable when other citizens exercise THEIR right to free speech, but your discomfort does not eradicate the fact that they operate under the same freedoms as you do. Whether it’s the Northwest Arkansas Coalition of Reason or something as unpopular as flag burning -- if you appreciate your right to free speech, it means you expressly support the rights of those whose views you may downright despise.

As a Mom (or parent), your first instinct is protection for your kids, right? You want to shield them from the stuff that’s uncomfortable or hard to talk about or maybe even hurtful. But isn’t it more important to teach them acceptance and understanding – and mutual respect? That not everyone in this country agrees on everything, and why that’s ok. And so, so important.

Unfortunately, there are no (secular) laws requiring kindness and respect among people. It’s not illegal to be impolite. That’s up to each of us. It’s up to us, as parents, to practice consideration and compassion, and to ensure our kids become kind, respectful, confident little people. The United States merely grants us permission to do that as we see fit. I am beyond grateful that I get to raise my kiddo in a country that gives him the right to his opinions and beliefs, and I am prepared to explain to him that while we don’t agree with everything swirling around out there – we are PROUD to be a family that supports the freedoms that make it all possible.

The Bill of Rights is something of which most people in this country are very proud. But sometimes it’s really, really hard to swallow the fact that people are free to do things that we don’t necessarily like or support. But, at the end of the day, I thank God I live where it is legal to speak my mind, and support what I believe in, and agree to disagree.

Freedom of speech is a two-way street, and it cannot be restricted to what (some may believe) is respectful or appropriate. Or comfortable. Or popular. The NWACoR has a right to their billboard. And I have a right to my opinion of it. God bless America.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. –Voltaire

This post has been adapted for Musings of Mother Hood. It was originally posted on Deep South Moms Blog on April 12, 2010.

Just the One

People mean well. I know they do. But is it really necessary to start in with the “when are you having a baby?” questions as soon as you get back from your honeymoon? And the “is it time for #2?” inquiries while “#1” is still breastfeeding?

I get it! People my age get married and have babies! I’m on it!

So my munchkin is almost three. And the interrogation politely curious questioning has reached an all-time high. You guys about ready for another one? When does Colt get a little sister? And, as it turns out, my answer is not what most people are expecting.

We’re done. Just the one. We have one healthy, happy, perfectly adorable child and that is really and truly all we ever hoped for. And people don’t quite know what to say to this. Some people argue with me. They start in with a list of reasons that I should have another one. How important it is to have siblings and what a tremendous blessing it is to have a large family. Other people don’t believe me. They try to use their life experience and parenting wisdom to convince me that I’ll change my mind sooner or later and we’ll end up having another baby someday. And some people just look confused, and a little shocked, and we abruptly move on to the next topic of conversation.

Why is this such a concept for people? More couples than ever are choosing to have one child, but for some reason, it still stuns people when you say it out loud. Some probably assume we have fertility challenges (we don’t), some assume we don’t like kids (we do), but I assure you most are assuming something far stranger and more complicated than the real reason for the size of our family.

It’s so simple it’s almost silly – but here it is. We have one child because that’s what’s right for our family. Every family looks different. Think about it. Some families have two kids, some have three, some have almost twenty. Some families adopt children, and some families are blended with stepchildren and half-siblings. Some households include grandparents or other family members. And you know what – some families don’t have kids at all. Our little family of three is not some kind of freakshow.

I have faith in my husband and myself, and our abilities to raise a confident, self-reliant, happy and secure, well-adjusted child. Which doesn’t mean that our son won’t come to us one day and ask for a baby brother or be mad and confused that he doesn’t have a sibling. And it doesn’t mean that we won’t wonder someday what it might have been like to have more than one. But this decision is right for us. It’s not a disadvantage. It’s our family. Now – when do the questions stop?

This post has been adapted for Musings of Mother Hood. It was originally posted on Deep South Moms Blog on March 31, 2010.