Because this has become a place I feel comfortable over-sharing, I think it's only fair to tell you about my ChapStick thing. It's one of those brands that has become synonymous with the product itself – like Kleenex or Q-tips or McNuggets. And it's not hard to see why. I personally take great care of my ChapStick. After years of trial and error I am now fiercely loyal to the blue tube – Moisturizer, though there was a fairly significant phase in college during which my friend Jenni and I scoured every possible store for the coveted STRAWBERRY. I buy them in the triple pack and keep the extras in a kitchen drawer beside other essentials like flashlights and rubber bands. I have blue ChapStick EVERYWHERE – purse, diaper bag, car, winter coats, bedside table, office desk drawer. I try to be prepared. And when I open a new tube I am really careful to peel off the little plastic seal so that there's a clean break and a smooth edge on the remaining plastic. I go to more trouble than I should probably admit to get this just right. And after I get the little white cap off I spend some time shaping the top of the tube so it's nice and round. Again – just right.
I can't help it. I love ChapStick. And apparently I'm not alone. I spent some time last night doing all the appropriate research. And you're looking at the newest member of the Official ChapStick Fan Club. Benefits of membership are a little vague, but we'll see what happens. Next, naturally, I checked it out on Facebook. There are 193 pages about ChapStick on Facebook and over 1100 groups. And (what appears to be) the Official Fan Page has over 160,000 fans! And I'm one of them.
And where did all this nonsense come from? I'm so glad you asked. My very serious, grown-up job of course. Yesterday, the following all-important question was discussed, at length, at my office: Do you share your ChapStick?
Well? DO you?
I will reserve my answer so as not to sway the vote, but I want to hear your take. I will tell you that I think there's more to it than a yes/no. The question is wide open. Shades of gray. Disclaimers everywhere. What if this? and What about that? and Only if it's my wife/child/boss/roommate/total stranger. I want to hear it all. Bring it on. Leave a comment making your case. Do you share your ChapStick?
Separately, I'm thinking of submitting an entry to Urban Dictionary and would like your help with that, too. One of my disclaimers is that it depends on whether or not it is a "ChapStick Emergency", and I need some help fleshing out my definition. Determining a ChapStick Emergency is tricky. And subjective.
So here's my first attempt:
ChapStick Emergency –
1. A sudden, urgent, usually unexpected occurrence requiring immediate relief – that which can only truly be provided by ChapStick.
"Woah, the wind is brutal today. This sudden storm is going to cause a ChapStick Emergency."
2. Any situation which impedes the process or progress of applying ChapStick.
"I have lotion on my fingers and can't get the tube open. This is a ChapStick Emergency!"
3. Any circumstances whereby one has not made the necessary ChapStick preparations and finds oneself without an adequate supply.
"Man, I can't believe I'm halfway through this movie, all alone in a dark theater with a bucket of salty popcorn, and no ChapStick! This is a ChapStick Emergency!"
Thoughts? You may or may not be surprised to know just how many entries in the Urban Dictionary contain the word "chapstick". I counted eleven. With your help, I could be number twelve.
Ok, I'm done. Now feel free to go find something that will restore those IQ points that just slipped away.